I made a discovery the other day. A rather, um...uncomfortable one. I thought I would share because it is kinda humorous. It is a rather akward subject though, so to make it interesting I am going to see how many different names I can come up with for my butt. Let's get started!
I was walking through Wal-mart the other day pushing a buggy. My five year old was sitting in the buggy happily chatting away about her life as a kindergardener keeping me distracted. I was looking from side to side as I walked down the isle when a reflection caught my eye. I only got a quick glance so I wasn't sure what it was, and then it hit me. "Man that's a big ole butt!" I thought to myself. Not big in the jiggling like jell-o sense, but big as in the, well, ghetto booty sense. You know, a nice shape, but kinda big. I started to snicker when sheer panic struck followed by absolute horror. I stoped in my tracks and stared straight ahead. My daughter stopped talking and said "What is it mommy?". I didn't want to answer. I couldn't answer. I was frozen.
A thought hit me. I was the only person walking down that isle. No. It's couldn't be. That can't be my badonkadonk. I am seeing things because the last time I saw my rear it was not that shape. In fact I'm not sure it was a shape. So I took a deep breath, gathered my strength, and slowly took a step backward. Very slowly. I kept looking forward until I came to a stop and slowly turned my head.
Holy cow that is my caboose! My jaw dropped. I cocked my head to the side as if looking at it from a different angle would make my patootie go back to it's former shape. I thought "I am slouching. Maybe if I stood up straight.... Oh my God that makes it worse!" Wow. Did running do THAT to my arse? I just stood there in awe. I'm sure by that point there were a few people staring at me. I couldn't really say for sure because it was like me and my tuchus were the only ones in the universe. My daughter snapped me out of it by asking me what I was looking at. I stuttered a bit and walked away.
A few days before this happened I noticed what I thought was a small change in my back door while taking a shower. It seemed a bit smaller to me. I thought it was my imagination. I asked my hubby if he noticed. We have a don't ask don't tell policy in my home when it comes to my gluteus maximus. I don't ask you what it looks like and you don't tell me what it looks like. So he wisely looked down, shook his head, and said "I like it". No amount of drilling him for info was going to make him crack. After 15 years he knows the best answer is neither yes or no. So I had to investigate for myself.
A trip to the full length mirror told the story. Before I started running my trunk not only had a lot of junk in it, but it resembled a 'trunk' that had been in one heck of a hail storm and possibly a tornado. Now it looks as though it has only been nicked a couple of times in the supermarket parking lot. Good improvement, but I had no clue what my biscuits looked like in jeans until the 'Wal-mart incident'.
So since then I have found myself sneaking a peak at my bum when in public. I am subtle about it. I'm not standing in front of elevators and windows flexing my tush or anything. Just a quick look. I am a bit scared though. If the small amount of running I have done transformed my fanny like that, what is it going to look like in a month? Am I going to be knocking things over with my tail? Will I be required to wear a sign and beep when I back up? I mean, my God! What happened back there? Instead of running my butt off I am running it on. Oh well. As long as my husband "likes it" haha. The journey continues!
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